The London Notes: Closure and Worth

Day 10

Dinner with friends. Girls nights. Peruvian food and pisco sours and Soho.

Laughter because Ed is all of our color wheels.

Photos and selfies and who has the longest arms.

Late night falafel on a street corner and new shoes that hurt your feet and cold air and 11pm texts from your old heart that say so much without saying a thing.

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Long hugs at tube stations, you’re getting good at this, and everyone running off to their homes which means good things and new things to all of us.

Tonight is finding closure where there is none and creating peace on your own and saying goodbye without tears because your worth is not in this place, just your joy, which feels similar so you get confused sometimes, but it’s very different.

Day 11

Sunday again. Your favorite home. Peace and joy and faith and all the good stuff.

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Today was hard choices and every ounce of courage you’ve learned so far to get to the place where you can say no to the things you still want, because sometimes love also says no.

The truth is, you believe in God and honesty and energy and positive thinking and signs and the universe and a bigger plan, so in moments, quiet moments, dark moments, loud ones too, when you’re in a theatre full of people all raising their voices to what they believe in, you sometimes come to a moment of realization and you know that in order to move forward, you first have to let go.

All the cliche quotes in the world couldn’t have prepared you for that moment of clear understanding, that silent knowing, the murmured ohhh…

You feel sad to move forward but so strong. Like the pieces are fitting back together again.

You’re thinking that maybe you’ve found your worth in all the places you weren’t even looking.

(It was already in you.)

It’s been a long year and you aren’t saying goodbye to anyone, but you love yourself in different ways these days so the people who want to stick around will keep up and that knowledge makes your heart burst just a little.

Day 12

Last days in London this time around are different than a year ago.

Last year at this time felt like stepping into a beginning you weren’t able to face.

And now, a year on, the world has changed around you and you’ve caught up to it finally.

You understand how your insides work. You lead with your feelings but you can change that if you like. You love in ways that were never taught to you. Somehow, through the osmosis of all your experiences, you’ve been brought to the point where learning your worth has been the biggest life lesson and if it took the bad stuff, then that’s what it took.

That’s what it took to be prepared for what’s next.

To take the next steps. To be kind in anger. To love who you love without strings and conditions. To share what you have with anyone who needs it. To look friends in the eye when they tell you the truth.

The bad stuff is still the bad stuff, but it’s what it took.

It’s a part of the story but it’s in the past and you are here now and the rest of the story is happening all around you, every second.

Until next time, London.

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